Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
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One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
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Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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