Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
This toilet bowl is my home.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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