I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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