Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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