It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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