70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
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