It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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