I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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