I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
