her vagina looked like bernie madoff
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
