i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
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The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
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Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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