When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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