im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
where are you?
Hypothermia
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
