I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
