I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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