i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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