i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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