why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
