theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
