she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
