What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
