We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
