yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
