Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
