the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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