Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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