At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
