I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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