You made me cry and you don't even care
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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