Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
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