Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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