I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
