Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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