I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
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