I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
