halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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