literally had 100 drinks last night.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
