guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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