There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Can you bring me the toilet please
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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