Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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