so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
