it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
