I will die if light touches me.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
