im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
