You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
