It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
