I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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