i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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