Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
