Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
