I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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