I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
