PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I would ride that face into the sunset
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
