i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
